Dear Old Self,
Dilshani Palugaswewa Ceylon Today Features
First off, I want to apologise for all the times I was hard on you for things you had no hand in, or no control over. I wasted much time looking at you against someone else’s success, glossy pictures and accomplishments. I thought you were never good enough and I wanted better for both; you and I.
Sorry for the brief concussions I have caused you in the past; in my desperate attempt to mould you into someone I aspired to be, instead of embracing every little flaw yet unique skin you came in. Unlike before, I now see those dune high ups and terribly low downs as pieces of the bigger picture that have become a crown in my jewel. So, thank you for bearing with an unsatisfied teenager trotting through life like she couldn’t go onto do great things.
Despite all the difficult moments and dark rooms and enclosures you got trapped in, the strength you clasped onto was remarkable. I still wonder, just how? Have those pillows dried? The ones you cried your eyes in to? Those walls? Have they shared all your secrets? Oh and that mirror? Does it have anything nice to say at least now? How about those voices, are they still micromanaging your smile? I wish I could have told you then, when you were at your worst that one day you’ll see that light we heard people often talk about, because things did change, and I think it was from that tunnel.
Remember how we worried about the world so much? I wish I could have told you back then, it is no point. We were conscious about the wrong things and focused on the bad. To be honest, things turned out to be not too bad as we thought it would; I mean I’m writing to you now so I’ve made it this far. Yes, I’m still a bit jaded but I think I could get used to this. Sad hours still make up half my day but it’s only half.
I’m anxious, halfhopeful and terribly out of my element sometimes but it all changes when I want it to, and I know this because you taught me that. I’m here to say, thank you for stepping back and convincing me that this is a road worth racing down, and that I only fell hard and got hurt because I didn’t have my seatbelt on for this crazy ride. I know I said I won’t look back, but I just had to.
You are what makes me and has shaped me; the curveballs,the lemons we got and the little pieces of my puzzle. And of course, you deserve to know you were always good enough; I just failed to see it. In hindsight, I don’t think much has changed, it’s probably just the fact that I see through a difference lens now because I’ve adjusted my focus to capture the right things in kind light. Your truly, Older and wiser